I had no idea that my absence could be perceived as offensive to some. but i surely am quite flattered. but more importantly, i'd like to apologize to my friends. I know i may sometimes seem detached or like i don't care but truth is i'm just busy. in ways its hard to define.
With just school alone, i haven't found time to sleep nor live. and my refusal to let my personal life go, is proving its hazards. I'm so tired sometimes that i check out from reality without any control of my own. and its really hard to constantly say no to meeting up with friends, and i wish no one would take it personally or get tired of calling me out. (Don't say i didn't warn you) but June is on its way and i'll be on a three month break then. :)
Also been busy with moving and all the complex things that come with it like renovations and furniture shopping (i saw so many lights and chairs over the last 3 months, it made my eyes bleed).
On a more personal level, I've been struggling with my refusal to let go of the past. Its so subliminal that i don't even notice it sometimes. I psyched myself into thinking i'm embracing the future and moving forward, but ever so often, someone reminds me how stuck i am in my past. and i don't think i am and i don't want to. at all.
or perhaps thats me being in denial.
I dreamt about you. In my dream you were gone. and i was sitting by your grave, three years from the day we went away together. and i still could not let go. I'm starting to think that the dream was significant for me to confront the death of you in my life. why is it i cant seem to let you go? why is my past still affecting this beautiful future standing in front of me without me even realizing it?
I know i made the right decision. After all these months of figuring out if I've done the right thing, it came to me recently like an explosive revelation. and i knew that it was the right decision. that the love is undeniable but so is the indifference. and finally i could define who i see you as in my life- a great friend whom has helped me grow in ways i thought impossible and someone i shared life's greatest memories with. still, i wanted you in my life. is that wrong? I still love and care about you.
I suppose, considering the circumstances of who we were to each other, that would mean i haven't let go of you. in that case, could i ever?
"Well you're the closest thing I have to bring up in a conversation about a love that didn't last...And then we saw our paths diverge and I guess I felt OK about it...And then I couldn't understand why it bothered me so. I cant let go, No, I cant let go of you." - Can't Let Go, Landonn Pigg
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